how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
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I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Only Americans understand
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry