Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
You Might Also Like
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
This a good idea