I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
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This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.