Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
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If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
The opposite of goth is stopth.
That’s easy for you to say
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting