Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
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If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
mmm onion ringos
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
fixed it
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
he’s doing your taxes
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head