If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
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I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
A roof is a house hat.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.