[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
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The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
dam girl
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone