Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
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[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee