What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
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Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
The smoothest fall of all time
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial