Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
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The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!