I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
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Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
hmm conte-me mais
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it