A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
You Might Also Like
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins