My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
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If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.