My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
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A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Nice try, poison.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *