(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
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If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.