[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
You Might Also Like
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.