Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
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the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand