[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
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Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
The Backseat Boys
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window