My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
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I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.