Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
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Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide