*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
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*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
multitasking lunch
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?