You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
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Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
ouch
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.