A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
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No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
People buying plungers never look happy.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
No way!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.