It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
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wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
My life coach traded me.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
my name if I was in the mob
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Just a bush.