If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
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Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
How actors in movies eat their food
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
🤣dope
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does