One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
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My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.