The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
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…..pretty much.
Me irl
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.