There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
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AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
March 16
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.