[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
You Might Also Like
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
ready to be harvested
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left