If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
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Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.