My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.