I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
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Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time