Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
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You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔