We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
You Might Also Like
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
This came to me in a dream.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums