Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
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your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.