This headline is a thing of beauty
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Fixed this for Shakespeare
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.