Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
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if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.