Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
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My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today