“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
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MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Me too door. Me too.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times