My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
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Squirrels before girls.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Basically.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers