I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Livid.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Some people were born into their job.