Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
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Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.