Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news š
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What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I think itās sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out āIām Every Womanā and has moved his office to the basement.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if itās stupid enough
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she canāt play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, āJust whale song or something will be fineā. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
My phone autocorrected āpeopleā to āpricksā because my phone knows all of you
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”