Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
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[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
wut hotdog?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.