A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
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The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Happy weekend !
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”