“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
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This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!