pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
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Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.