[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
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My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.