ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
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everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.