HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
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You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
drew a comic about my origin story
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving